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Experience:4 g syrian rue + 9 g Mimosa Hostilis - Meeting my Mind
Almost one year before the experience I tried weed brownies for the first time. Before that, I never used any substance except alcohol (ocasionally). Four months before the experience I extracted crystalized DMT from Mimosa Hostilis root bark and smoked a little bit it for the first time. One month later I tried drinking a simple MHRB brew, without MAOIs, but it was unsuccessful. The first significative experience with DMT was several days after that, when I managed to smoke an enough amount and tripped during fifteen minutes, but without breakthrough, just an interesting trip. The three days after that my mood was lifted, and I checked by experience that DMT does have therapeutical potential. After that, I did some more attempts to reach the breakthrough by smoking DMT, but the difficulty of it and the fact that the trips were so short made me resign to keep trying, and five weeks before the experience I decided to go for a different way.
Set and setting
The day and hour I decided to have the experience was a thursday night. Since my summer break didn't finish yet, I had no college that day or the friday after that, neither I had to work. I would have not only the day after the experience to meditate, but also the weekend, and I think that was optimal.
About the social context, I decided to trip alone. I live alone in a small apartment, and the only other living being here was my cat. I had no one close enough I could trustfully share the fact that I was putting drug into my body even if I slowly explained ayahuasca to them. There was one person that knew what I was going to do and was my mother, but her company was not a possibility given the fact that I live in a city far enough.
Despite the fact of doing a solitary trip, I had no fear. I personally think that I have the virtue of naivety (I'm convinced is an actual virtue), so I fully poured my trust and reliance on ayahuasca. I was very nervous at the start, but not afraid. I felt ready for everything that I had to experience.
The reason I decided to go through all of this was because for a long time I felt lost, a bit depressed and that things were too difficult to me. The past year I was finally diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, which I always suspected, and I thought that maybe doing an ayahuasca trip could get me some motivation to improve myself and maybe a bit of clarity on how to do it. Thankfully, I was right on both things.
Method used
The ayahuasca ingestion method that I used was: first, taking 35 drops of liquid metoclopramide in order to avoid vomiting as long as possible (spoiler: it was successful, though I eventually purged); second, 30 minutes after metoclopramide, drinking a mix of milk and 4 grams of grounded Peganum Harmala seeds while covering my nose (report: it was foul tasting, but still not as bad as the taste of the MHRB); and third, 30 minutes after Peganum Harmala, drinking a mix of a smoothie and 9 grams of powdered Mimosa Hostilis root bark while covering my nose (report: despite that the final mix had solidish consistency, it was surprisingly tolerable, and the dreadful taste of MHRB went barely noticeable).
Also, as an attempt to add efforts to the mission of holding the ayahuasca in my stomach at least an hour, I put a hot water bottle on my belly. I can say now that I could have holded the ayahuasca in my stomach without the bottle, being the metoclopramide enough for that. Nonetheless, the hot water bottle was useful as it helped me to feel completely fine and comforted during the first hour of the trip. I recommend it's usage.
Experience report
Phase 1: Rising (hour 0:00 to 1:00)
Somehow, I started to feel some effects five minutes after drinking the smoothie (perception of bodily lightness, sedation). I turned off all lights, went to my bed, plugged my earphones and played my favorite lofi hip hop songs. During the first fourty minutes I experienced very slight internal and external hallucinations, but nothing interesting or meaningful. Also felt my hands like swollen fists (changes in felt bodily form).
While the minutes passed, the feeling of listening to lofi hip hop reminded me of the same experience with weed brownies (auditory enhancement). Also the music sounded faster than normal (time distortion) and my imagination started to fly. I have to say that listening to music the first minutes of tripping felt nice and helped me to immerse myself into the experience more smoothly.
After fourty minutes of started the experience, I turned off the music and decided to live the journey by myself. The hallucinations ceased in some way and the only type of images I saw from here were autonomously made up by my imagination, without the typical closed-eyes hallucinations. My imagination slowly transitioned to start doing quick flights across diverse scenarios (thought acceleration). Most of them were just fillers, but some ended up serving a meaning that would be directly transfered to my understandings (conceptual thinking). Sometimes I even felt that two or more images were trying to overlap each other (multiple thought streams).
Phase 2: Meeting my Mind (hour 1:00 to ~2:00)
While I can control my body, my Mind does have access to my subconscious and inconscious. I have more power, but he has more knowledge.
At this point, while the quick thoughts sequence kept it's intensity, the lecture started, and I was going to met someone who lived not only the same life than me, but more, and was capable to teach things. Honestly, I didn't realize who was him until the next day, at the moment I was just listening and learning. This was the hour where I met my Mind. My Mind was different than me. While I had control over my body and was the one who could make decisions, he, somehow, was more autonomous than me. He was not only my consciousness, but also my subconscious and my inconscious. He lived the same as me, and more. He suffered as much as me, and more. He also used to suffer while I was having fun, and he felt joy at times I was uncomfortable. Now I was having access to him, and he was about to teach me a couple of things.
This part of the journey was quite dynamic, and since things in my head were running faster than my ability to record them, little I remember from everything, so here are two lessons I do remember from this phase:
I can trick my brain into tricking me. One of the only things I remember from my first true DMT trip was that I was in a room that looked very much like The Simpsons. After that, I thought: "Really?". I barely remember anything, and it had to be being in the The Simpsons universe After that I had like other three smoked DMT trips, and everytime I forgot most of the trip. I felt like my brain was trolling me. During the second phase of the ayahuasca trip, the visual hallucinations ceased and I felt that my brain was joking with me again, like, "It's an ayahuasca trip, and I can not even see things with closed eyes?". That was the moment that I felt my Mind saying to me: "You can do the same thing". That moment I intuitively understood that I had the power to "manipulate" my brain in such a way that I would be motivated to do good things.I realized at some moment that I was never alone, and that my Mind lived all along with me. I had to learn how to listen to him.In the context of this time of my life, I was trying to improve my lifestyle. Things like being responsible on college, properly cleaning my apartment, cooking healthy meals or making friends and talking to girls felt really hard for a long time, and I was trying to kill the vicious circle I kept feeding for a long time. Thanks to ayahuasca, I now get that I have the power to do that, to convert the vicious circle into a virtuous circle.
You can not hide things, only take care of them. I think most of the people that grew watching cartoons can remember a common type of scene where a character who hit his head grown a comically big and pointy bump on their head, which ocasionally could be solved by simply pushing it down to the head. One of the thoughts that was came to my mind during this phase was a similar one: the coyote from Warner having bumps on his torso, instead of his head, and trying to push them inside. The thing is that when he pushed one inside, another one grew somewhere, and then he tried again by sending that new bump back to the body, but then another bump appeared on another part of his body, and so on. I understood that I was doing the same as the coyote, but with my real responsabilities, avoding them, acting like if I could just hide them. I obviously was aware that my condition of Asperger syndrome made some things a bit more difficult to do, but that wouldn't hide the fact that the world is always moving forward, and that I could get hurt by it if I didn't try to move at the same pace. The bills would return with interests if I didn't pay them. Life is not a cartoon, and if you don't take care of the bumps, they will rot over over your body.
Phase 3: Lost in the middle of nowhere (hour ~2:00 to ~4:30)
Life is not a cartoon, and if you don't take care of the bumps, they will rot over your body.
After an intense hour of tought after tought, I suddenly woke up in a "place". What I can remember from that moment is just a gap between both phases. Maybe it's amnesia, or maybe it was just a sudden instant jump from one reality to another. Everything felt so strange, like if my brain wroking processes radically changed. It was something like spawning in the middle of nowhere, without a second of previous warning. Also I experienced some kinds of simple visual hallucinations (geometry, color shifting), but happening in my imagination instead of seeing them with my eyes. I was able to have my eyes open as I remember, but what I was experiencing was so overwhelming that almost all of the time of this phase my brain just could not process the visual information my eyes were recieving and sending to it. Another effect was me not being able to talk (language depression).
After the experience I realized that during this phase I simply could not remember a lot of things, or at least not accurately. For a moment I thought on my mother, but the physical image of her that popped up in my head was different (I didn't notice this until the entire trip finished, not even doubt that she was how my mother really looked like). While I was laying on the bed I could not feel my body parts. It was like just my brain floating, something like a Boltzmann brain in the middle of the outer space. I also think that, during this state, my brain was most of the time ignoring where my physical body was, like if I was more aware of being in the hyperspace than my apartment.
As to summarize, I lost a lot of things that defined "me" and the only thing I had left was my sole consciousness. I could only feel the presence of my Mind and the part of me that wasn't my body. When I fully regained my beloved awareness after intense hours, I knew that what I experienced was memory suppression, better known as "ego death". It is very interesting for me to notice that during this phase I was not aware of a lot of things, not even that I was indeed experiencing the famous ego death, and just went through the experience "normally".
And then, something inevitable eventually happened, the classic thing of ayahuasca: some minutes after entering this phase, I purged. So far I didn't feel nausea or stomach cramps, so I can say that this was a really comfortable experience regarding nauseas. I didn't even feel the urge to vomit until twenty seconds before doing so.
After throwing up on my bucket, my subconscious helped me to wash my face. This is another interesting thing I noticed while experiencing the ego death, that most tasks I performed were carried by my subconscious (physical autonomy). For example, going to the bathroom to look myself to the mirror, thing I did because I wanted to see what would happen. While I was in front of the mirror, I noticed a slight pupil dilation, and also felt, while watching myself, that I could not recognize my face, like if it belonged to someone else (another effect of the ego death).
Phase 4: Alternating between reality and ego death (hour ~4:30 to 6:00)
After being more than two hours lost in the hyperspace, I started to do cycles of snapping back to reality for some seconds, and then went back to lose my awareness (or at least part of it). Every time I came back to reality, I recovered awareness of my body and the physical space. When I got lost again, I feel the same things of the ego death. I did this cycle several times. It went to a point that I got impatient and at one of the moments I recovered the control I talked saying: "Please, give me back my consciousness, leave me alone". I didn't feel desperate though, just a bit annoyed, but I kept calm through all of it.
There was a moment when I decided to masturbate to know how did it feel on the status I was. I went to the bathroom and tried for some minutes. But then I stopped and felt that I was out of place. I came back to my Mind and thought: "What am I doing? This is not virtuous, this is vicious!", then I pulled up my clothes, washed my hands and returned to my bed (decreased libido). It's really strange for me that something like that happened, since I would always keep trying, but I'm actually glad that I resigned to do such thing.
While minutes passed, the sensation I suffered everytime I was lost started to calm down, and I slowly came back to "full" reality. At this point, it was late night. I watched the hour on my phone several times, and I noticed that I still had minimum visual hallucinations in the form of after images. I was trying to sleep, but only slept two or three hours that night, which is normal considering the effects of serotoninergic psychedelics (wakefulness).
Afterglow report
On the morning, I started to feel the afterglow effects, and the majority of them lasted for several days. I read before the experience that the day after is usually a precious time, but I couldn't understand why would it be. I eventually experienced it, and am currently convinced that it was the most beautiful day I ever had in my life.
I experienced fullness inside of me, feeling satisfied with life. I saw that I had more than enough to content myself, or even that "having" was irrelevant when it comes to the status of satisfaction (spirituality intensification).
I experienced peace and gratitude for being alive, realizing that living itself is a beautiful thing and a gift that humans are lucky to have (existential self-realization).
My appetite was less intense than before. I started to eat a bit of less food and with lesser flavors, understanding that filling my mouth with food wasn't a necessary thing for me to be happy (appetite suppression).
I felt rejection to every kind of sexual content I saw, and my desire to masturbate and watch pornography ceased (addiction suppression).
I also felt a reduction on the strenght of my personal opinions and build perspective of things (personal bias suppression).
I felt a particular intensity while listening to some songs, like if they were meant for that specific moment I was enjoying. I also felt the same thing when I watched a video about personal growth that gave me a deep and useful lesson (personal meaning intensification).
I experienced a connection with things, like if I were related to them, or even that I "was" them. This connection felt stronger with plants, and I have to say that I "petted" some trees when I took a ride on my bike (unity and interconnectedness).
I felt that I was reborn, younger and stronger, and full of motivation and strenght to do things (rejuvenation).
I experienced a feeling of eternity, that I would live through the end of the universe, that I would still "be" beyond my biological body, and that death was not meant to be something to worry about (perception of eternalism).
I was more emotional, and after I successfully performed a couple of tasks that before felt difficult to me I started to cry deeply and feel grateful (emotion intensification).
As I described before, my Mind sent me some missions to accomplish: I had to start working with my brain and taking responsibility for things that I was always avoding. The day after the experience I cleaned my bathroom, which is the harder home task for me, and took a ride on my bike, breaking a streak of several days without physical activity. The next days were similar to the first one, and I kept my attempts to being responsible. I started to go to sleep earlier and spend more time cooking meals, things I usually didn't do. I kept healthier feeding habits and I started masturbating less, because I felt that it was a naughty habit.
It was pretty evident that ayahuasca healed me, and my Mind enlightened me, but it was my responsability to do the things I had to do, and I started doing so. I could never tell before the experience that ayahuasca would cause such impact on my life. I'm glad and grateful for everything that happened on that day and after.
